A Witness To Love

remember the day clearly. I was driving to a place where the kids, their father (who I had separated from) and I could go morel mushroom picking. I had my cell phone in my pocket, I knew she was sick and had already talked to my parents and knew she was just out of surgery and not out of the anesthesia yet. My mother had advised that I spend the day with my children and come to see Grandma the next day, I agreed and set about my day.

Not long after we began our adventure in morel hunting, my cell phone rang. My heart sunk, I didn't have to look at the phone to know it wasn't going to be a call I wanted to take. It was my cousin Julie. Her words ring in my head every time I think back to that day "Kristy, you need to come. She's waiting for you." She was stuffy from crying. I told her I couldn't bare to see her laying there, to which she replied "You need to come tell her it's ok to let go, you're the only one she will listen to. Please, do this for Grandma." Tears, oh my God the tears, they burned so hot I couldn't see, my cheeks exploded under them while I furiously tried to regain control of my emotions. I took a deep breath and agreed to come to the hospital shortly.

I sat for a few moments in the car breathing shallowly and crying quietly while the kids and my estranged husband stared at me open mouthed in anticipation for what would come next. When I turned to tell them I saw the tears in my daughters eyes and a new flood began, I sobbed openly as I choked out the words "we need to go to the hospital". I frantically began searching the car for anything to write on and with, I located a pen and the back of a church telephone directory and began writing. Shawn was driving, I was writing and the girls were whispering to each other in the back seat attempting to figure out between them why the adults in the car were acting so strangely. I finished "Grandma's Garden" in what seemed like seconds, I read it aloud in the car. They loved it.

I explained the situation on the way to the hospital to my girls and husband. I called my son and asked him to meet us there, since he was with his dad that day. We arrived at the hospital about twenty minutes after receiving the call. My entire family was there except Grandpa, dad and Uncle Jack (who was in Florida). We chatted in the corridor for a little while before I asked to go into the ICU room where she was hooked up to machines.

I stood in the door just looking at her, she was so pale and even a bit grey. Tears threatened again, burning at the back of my eyes. I went in and took her hand, she was warm and there was no reaction to my touch. I looked down on her laying there and wondered how many times she had stood over my bed when I was sick in the hospital, it seemed to many to count. Then my next thought was of her and I in the hospital together just two months prior when she taunted me in the hall saying "I got to take a shower!" it made me smile. This woman lying in this bed hooked to these machines was my Grandmother, my friend, my confidant, my strength, my teacher and I loved her so very much. I reached out and stroked her forehead, fixing her hair the way she liked it and smiled. I choked over the words that needed to be said, "Grandma, it's Kris. I love you; all of us are here. Its okay to let go, we know you're in pain and we don't want that for you. We will take care of your garden, Grandpa and do our best to keep things together." Tears streaming down my cheeks I turned when the nurse entered the room, "the doctor needs to see her" she said sympathetically. I nodded and left the room. I returned to my family in the corridor, by this time the group had grown to substantial proportions.

I sat on a bench next to my oldest daughter. She was taking it especially hard, her Great Grandma had named her and she was her namesake as well. They were very close. I asked if she would like to see her and she said yes. I told her that when the doctor was done I would go in with her. We sat and cried together for what seemed like eternity when the doctor came out and asked my Aunts to come with him. We waited.

When the Aunts returned, both had red swollen eyes and holding tissues. They looked at all of us with anxious faces wanting and waiting to hear a ray of hope. Aunt Bonnie was the one to deliver us the news, she said simply "Grandma has a hole in her stomach and the acid has damaged her organs beyond repair. She can live, but she won't be the same. We have a choice right now and we need to talk to Grandpa when he gets here, because ultimately it's his choice, but…..*sniff* ….. what do you kids think?" My cousins all looked at me, I felt them staring and waiting for me to speak. Being the oldest I typically get the ruling of my choice and they follow my lead. I dropped my head and said, "I told her it was okay to die." My cousins started sobbing out loud. My Aunts nodded and moved to the phone to call Uncle Jack. My mom already knew dads answer as well as I did, I spoke for all of my family when I said, "Let her be free, let her go, I don't want her here in pain anymore. She doesn't deserve it." The call to Uncle Jack was quick, he refused to make her wait for him to arrive, he insisted that we remove her from life support immediately and he would come as fast as he could. The decision was made, now we just had to wait for Grandpa.

He arrived about an hour after our decision was made. He came in dressed in his best jeans and knit shirt. He smiled when he saw all of us there collected, her children, grandchildren and even great-grandchildren and said "Wow, this is quite the welcoming committee!" he chuckled to himself. We smiled and rose to hug him and greet him. Aunt Bonnie and Aunt Gayle and my mom were all gathered at the end of the line, preparing to tell him about Grandma and wait for his decision. They walked into the room with Grandpa where his wife of over 50 years laid. He looked down at her, touched her and looked back at the women collected with him. They told him what the doctor said and of our support for what ever choice he made. He looked back at Grandma and his choice was made.

He remained in the room when they came and told the rest of us his choice to remove her from life support. We were all to go in and say goodbye if we wanted to. This wasn't an option for me, I must be there, she would not die without me by her side, it was the least I could do for this woman who loved me so much my entire life.

We went into Grandma's room, there were her daughters, a daughter in-law, a son-in-law, 4 of 6 grand-children, two grandkids-in-law, 3 great grandchildren (2 left after saying goodbye), her husband and her pastor collected around her bed. There were still at least 8 more people in the corridor that did not want to be in the room or were tending to the little ones that didn't understand what was happening. We each took turns saying goodbye to this woman we loved so much and who had given life to all of us, she was the Matriarch of our family and the glue that held us all together, she made us strong.

I stood next to my beloved Grandfather through all of the goodbyes, holding his hand and my arm around his shoulders. It was my feeble attempt to comfort him and protect him from his pain. I have seen my Grandfather cry before but when Grandma winced in pain from someone touching her and he choked hoarsely "don't let them hurt her" my heart broke. I remained with him being his silent, tearful companion through the prayers, goodbyes and removal of the machines. We didn't leave.

When they were done injecting Grandma with enough morphine to stop any pain and removed all the machines that had been breathing for her, the room became quiet except for the tears hitting the starched white sheet she lay under. I had moved to the side of her bed and had her hand in mine. My daughter (Grandmas namesake) was to my left side, Grandma's sister (Aunt Alice) stood to my immediate right, stroking her sisters arm and sobbing. I looked around the room and took notice of the bowed heads, the shaking shoulders, the concern and fear, but I could feel the love. It was tangible in those moments. You could see it, it was bright blue with white sparkles, it had a pulse steadily beating with the rhythm of my own heart beat, it was like syrup being poured over your body, slowing your movements but soothing and non-threatening.

I closed my eyes and bowed my head.

She took one more breath, then I felt it…hot, heavy, tingling in my chest, my head got light and I felt more loved then I ever have before in my life. The intensity was overwhelming, but I was at peace. My tears were gone, all I could do was smile, I was almost giddy with happiness! I was brought back by my cousin's scream. Grandma had passed.

I went into the corridor and the first person I saw was her nurse. He was tearful, I turned to go find the rest of my waiting family. I went through the heavy double doors, looked into their faces and nodded. The pastors wife hugged me, Sean and Troy (my cousins) hugged their kids. My little girl came running and wrapped herself around my waist and cried. My son hugged me too and said "mom, I can't do this. I will see you later tonight." He turned and left.

I was still reeling from my experience, I needed to get out of this place, I needed to think. I collected my kids and left. I tried to explain but the words failed me. I was given a gift and I was amazed. Nobody will ever be able to understand the transformation in me that took place that day. Not only did I learn my own strength, but I learned the strength of my family and love even in death. Love knows no boundaries, the soul is eternal, I have no doubt.