Monday, November 19, 2012

Where do I begin???

How do I tell my children about how sick I really am? How do I explain to them (even though they are all almost adults) how short my life expectancy is? Should I tell them?

What about the rest of my family and my closest friends?

I'm at a loss for words today with this struggle. I have a doctors appointment in two days and my friend is taking me. He's going to find out EXACTLY how bad its been. I know I am going to cry in the office with my Dr. we are just that close that even with a hug he can tell how sick I really am.

How do I ask for medications that will aid in my comfort levels and quality of life rather then quantity? I am so tired of living this lie with the fake smile and saying "I'm fine" for the thousandth time rather then the truth.

Lupus has attacked my kidneys, my heart, my nervous system, my joints and multiple other organs that had to be removed already. I don't want meds that make me sick anymore they don't work either, otherwise it would be worth it in the long run.

My sons wife is due in January with my first biological grandson and I fear that he will never know me. For that matter the two girls born this past spring remembering me is almost null. I have pushed through so many things this past year that I am just worn out and tired of fighting. I know it sounds like I am depressed, maybe on some level I am; but I am just tired of being in pain and going to sleep every night wondering if I will wake up in the morning or every time I get a chest pain if that is going to be the last one.

I do take care of myself. I have lost nearly 30lbs in the past 4 months in an attempt to avoid diabetes on top of the nephritis. I just don't know what to do, think, feel or say to my loved ones at this time. I love them all so very much that holding my grand children brings tears to my eyes. So many lives have been lost this past year due to Lupus, I just keep wondering "am I next?"

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