Ugly Monday's

Since my last trip to the doctor reveal to much swelling in my joints that were "hot" to the touch and my obvious maximum reached on the steroids my doctor opted to try Methotrexate to keep my Lupus flares under control. It has been only a few short weeks since that visit.  In case you don't know what that is, in short its a form of Chemotherapy that reduces the immune system to nothing in an attempt to thwart the flares. It has been working so far to ease the pain to a level that the pain medications actually work. This is a great thing in my world, even with the "day after" sickness, well actually its a couple of days of nausea and sickness that I will happily take just to keep this pain at bay.

My lupus flares have been determined to come on with stress. I try to keep my stress levels to a minimum with meditation, good sleep, me time and eliminating negative people from my life. So far this regimen seems to work for the most part. I have a great support system as well, friends and family have really stepped up lately to fill in the gaps of those that have been removed from my life and I couldn't be more thankful for the time, energy and help they have so graciously bestowed on me and my family. Without their help over the past few months I would have been very alone and possibly hospitalized due to this horrible disease. I have recently discovered that along with stress now apparently giddiness is causing it to flare as well! So I have to contain my excitement for the next few months and try to remain level I guess.

Managing stress is a lot easier then to control happiness. Who would have ever thought that I would be trying to maintain my happiness and  stress to a level of almost unemotional detachment to all things in life? It simply seems wrong to not be able to express emotions and I fear that bottling things inside and trying to manage them will be my ultimate undoing unfortunately.

I am so close to this life finally getting into order after such a period of negativity is ending, it is a great relief to know that things and my children will be alright. It leaves me to wondering when in my life I did something so right to have these blessings and people in my life now; I won't look a gift horse in the mouth however, I will take every single ounce of it in with a gratitude in my heart that is simply unfathomable.

I never ever thought that I would be happy to not have certain family members in my life, I tried so hard over the years to gain acceptance, understanding and respect that never came. Now, I don't care what they think, do or say and I am so much healthier, happier  and more content in my life.

I hope I can continue on this path for a while, I do understand that it's by no means permanent but I will take this time to be just be and be happy in it. For now I will take the ugly Monday sickness to gain some relief from the torture and disabling effects from this horrible disease.